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Poopy. Dookie. Shit. Cable.
Peter Tatara - February 10, 2008

Shit. Crap. Poop. Dung. Feces. Doodoo. Caca. Dookie. Poopy. There are a lot of words for the fat, brown snakes you, I, and everyone drop into our personal porcelain thrones. Of all the myriad of words for feces, though, I believe that I may have stumbled upon the most genius, most fitting, and most descriptive that mankind has ever conceived. But, first, let me take a step back.

Some nights ago, I was searching for something to watch. It was midnight, and there wasn't really anything good -- or even decent -- on. I flipped through channel after channel before ultimately settling on Comedy Central. Kenny vs. Spenny was on. I'd never seen it before but saw quite a few promos for the series a month or so back. For anyone not familiar with the program, each episode pits two friends -- the titular Kenny and Spenny -- against each other in some absurd competition. This episode? Who Can Stand The Longest? I sat there for 30 minutes watching two grown men just stand. No, actually, I didn't. After 12 minutes of questioning why the fuck this was even on the air, I shut the thing off and went to bed.

But just before I did, I heard Kenny say something -- something so wise and insightful that I'm half-sure I'm about to misquote him and give him credit for a phrase wholly out of place and infinitely more intelligent than the series that gave it life. What did Kenny say? As he was walking toward a toilet, he announced to the camera he was off to "make some cable TV."

Poopy. Dookie. Shit. Cable. So simple but so perfect. You're not taking a crap. You're making cable. It's obvious. It's glorious. While I normally like to prattle on as much as a river crocodile likes to eat plump baby piggies, Kenny's succinct and genius words leave me speechless. There's nothing I can say to elevate Kenny's utterance. There's nothing that matches them. They are perfect.

I shall never again crap, shit, or poo. No, from this moment on, I shall only make cable.

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