giant robots fighting god

Part Doctor, Part Vampire, and All Awesome
Peter Tatara - August 29, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Acula. Now, if you don't see a picture of the good doctor, that's likely because I was too lazy to include one with this. Strike that, that's absolutely the case. Since there's no picture of Dr. Acula, let me describe him. Dr. Acula is an adorable black kitten with tiny ears, shiny eyes, and white patches atop each of his feet. He weighs just about as much as three apples. He's been living with me since this afternoon.

My girlfriend's been in Boston all weekend due to a doctor's appointment she had scheduled prior to her move to NYC. I told her I'd be lonely without her and went on to claim I'd buy a kitten to keep me company. The girl said I was full of shit. Naturally, I told her I picked up a kitten the moment she arrived in Boston and continued the lie all weekend long -- reporting to her all the adorable things my faux kitten was doing.

I named the kitten, too. I believe I first named him Rasputin Tiberius Lestat, amending the name shortly thereafter to Nixon von Richthofen. Ultimately, though, I felt both names didn't suit the imaginary cat and dubbed him Dr. Acula, rationalizing that the animal was "part doctor, part vampire, and all awesome."

My girlfriend wasn't amused as I continued to perpetuate the blatant lie that I replaced her with a kitten, nor that I had named the thing after a running gag from NBC's Scrubs. She didn't believe I bought the animal, but, just in case I did, she listed several names she felt were superior to the ingenious Dr. Acula. Included on her list were "Mocha," "Oreo," and "Blackie."

Boring! A few years back, my sister got a white kitten and gave her the mundane name "Angel." Having none of that, I quickly began calling the animal "Kissy Kitty Bon Bon Squid," proclaiming it to be the name that belonged to her soul. To this day, Squid is very confused, and I'm refusing to sit by while Dr. Acula develops a personality disorder because a girl wants to name him after her favorite cookie.

My girlfriend is returning to New York City tomorrow, and she's pretty pissed off I've been talking about my new kitten all weekend long. She's completely unaware, though, that to justify this no-longer-funny joke, I've purchased an actual kitten. Honestly, it's an actual plush kitten, but it's still more than the invisible cat she's expecting -- and it'll allow me to continue talking about Dr. Acula for the next two weeks, after which she'll likely disembowel the stuffed animal and leave its head, stuffing spewing from its neck, on a stick. Little does she know I have a backup Dr. Acula in the closet.

If you at all feel sorry for my girlfriend or wonder why I torment her so, it's because she's got a HD plasma television back in Boston and refuses to bring it to NYC. As such, I'm the victim here and, like the French Marquis, am staging whatever guerrilla strikes I can with the distant hope that attrition will eventually wear down my titanic nemesis.

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