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MacGyver the Adjutant Stork
Peter Tatara - December 17, 2009

The Bronx Zoo's announced it has a new adjutant stork hatchling, and -- as is only sensible -- it's asking zoo patrons and animal lovers in general to name the baby birdie. I -- as only natural -- have deduced the best possible name ever for an adjutant stork. This name?


Now, I don't even pretend to know what an adjutant stork is, but I don't really think that's an issue. No matter the species, no matter the sex, any of God's creatures would be blessed to be given the name MacGyver. And, while I'm sure the vast majority of you instantly agree, for anyone that needs convincing, I've outline my argument very concisely below.

He's An American Hero. MacGyver's an American hero. We're in consensus here, right? I mean, this dude was fighting the terrorists in the '80s. That's right, the 1980s. While Jack Bauer and the like have picked up arms in the post 9/11 world, MacGyver was keeping us safe from baddies in every corner of the planet years before any of us cared. What were you doing in the '80s? Could you even point to Afghanistan on a map? Well? In 1986, in the episode "To Be a Man", that's where MacGyver was kicking ass.

He's Ingenious. Not only is MacGyver an American hero, but whether he's besting drug runners or religious cults, he's doing it with only twine, duct tape, and a few paper clips. While, again, Jack Bauer fights terrorists with a gun, MacGyver refuses to carry one. Hell, the only time MacGyver touched a gun was to unlock a nuclear reactor's cooling system, and he did it by taking the thing apart and using it as a wrench. Instead of shooting shit, MacGyver uses his brain to save the day. He's used fool's gold and clay to make an antibiotic, created a smokescreen out of baking soda and vinegar, built a telescope out of a newspaper and a magnifying glass, tapped a phone line with a bent coat hanger, detonated a land mine with a piece of string, and, I'm fairly sure in one episode he built an airplane out of materials found in a prison's laundry room.

The Hair. MacGyver has a golden mane only found elsewhere in Greek mythology.

I'm Already A Member. I'm already a member of the Bronx Zoo and have the card in my wallet to prove it. Whoever contributes the name they ultimately give to their baby adjutant stork wins two free passes, but I don't need 'em. I'm not suggesting they name the bird MacGyver because of any selfish desire to get tickets. No, I'm proffering the name because I altruistically believe MacGyver to be the best name ever.

My Girlfriend. I altruistically believe MacGyver to be the best name ever, but my girlfriend doesn't. We've been dating since college and marriage isn't far away, but as much as I love the girl, she don't always see things eye-to-eye with me, and this is one of those times. She won't let me name our inevitable child "MacGyver", so this is probably my one chance of gifting the greatest name in the world to a newborn.

That's about it. Cut and dry and pretty simple. MacGyver the Adjutant Stork. Has a nice ring to it, no? I'll be visiting the Bronx Zoo in the next few weeks, and I'm looking forward to seeing little MacGyver's name displayed prominently in a placard affixed to the zoo's nursery. If not, that's cool, as I'll have a sharpie, duct tape, shopping bag, and some fishing line with me and will be able to make up my own placard for the hatchling. That's what MacGyver would do.

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