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Gregory House: Ghost Doctor
Peter Tatara - February 2, 2007

I cannot say I've ever seen an entire episode of FOX's House, nor can I say that, up until a month ago, I even saw the show at all. Despite this, I've spent the past year or two listening to how damn great House is from everyone I know. With the unanimous recommendation of each and every one of my friends and acquaintances, why didn't I ever tune in? It was partly because I didn't have cable until only recently. But, even once I did get 1,000 channels of coaxial joy, it was because, with all the exotic new flavors, I rarely ventured back to network TV.

A few months ago, though, I started watching Bones. I enjoyed Angel, and at a friend's constant recommendation, decided to see what actor David Boreanaz was up to now. (Here's a fun fact: I went to the same college as David Boreanaz. Is it a coincidence that he got famous from playing a vampire on TV and my girlfriend dresses like one? I believe there's something in the water.) So, I started watching Bones because one friend told me to and ignored all the rest who insisted I turn on House.

I thought I'd be luke warm to the Bones show, but I've found myself watching it pretty regularly almost every week. It's got spunk, humor, and horribly gruesome corpses. More than all that, though, it's got Angel, and following each week's episode, I -- without fail -- speak to the girl responsible for me tuning in the first time and question her about how Angel can walk around in sunlight. I ask her about all the episodes I've missed and ask how the vampire started working for the FBI. Now, I'm not retarded, and I know David Boreanaz is playing a different character, but it adds so much back story to the show when I presume he's still Joss Whedon's vampire Private Eye. (It's not so far-fetched the FBI would call on Angel to join their ranks after seeing the stellar job he'd previously done freelance. And, to get far too geeky, we do know the US government is actively aware of Angel and even sent him on a mission during WWII in the episode Why We Fight.) In other words, I perpetually inquire about Angel's FBI work solely to be a pest.

So, what's this got to do with House? During one episode of Bones, FOX aired an ad for an upcoming House. It was filled with screaming, claims that a main character would die, and wrapped with a gunshot. Now, in my mind, these bits and pieces of information coagulated into only one, obvious conclusion. Doctor House is a ghost. House was murdered in his hospital and now haunts the place, curing the incurable and solving medical mysteries.

And as such, the next time I was questioned about House, my immediate answer was somesuch about House being a ghost. Eyes roll. Eyes glower. I'm asked about my admittedly-insufferably-stupid theory, to which I explain the promo and the logical steps I took to arrive at my conclusion. I'm told I'm wrong and I should watch the show, but I shake my head, saying I've seen a 30-second preview and already figured it out. I pat whoever I'm talking to on the shoulder and let them know they'll deduce it sooner or later, but I, being the cocksure genius that I am, need not witness any more of House -- for its greatest secret's already been revealed to me.

Yeah, I know, I'm a prick.

And that's the end of my story. I had intended to make it a few paragraphs longer, but I've run out of steam. Let me try to pad this a bit to make it look somewhat full. Hmmm. I've finally seen a bit of House and had no clue Hugh Laurie's titular character speaks without a British accent. I had always presumed him to be a Brit, and I expected the accent every time House opened his yap, only for a strange, whiny American voice to issue forth. Based solely on Hugh Laurie's voice, I couldn't get into it and switched from House to a re-run of Black Adder. I'm not going to go into Black Adder if you've never seen it before. (That's what Wikipedia is for.) What I realized, though, that night, after watching Black Adder for years, was that a young Hugh Laurie starred in the series and I was, until this moment, completely unaware. I was shocked.

Anyway, that's about it. Oh a friend of mine named Murphy is trying to sell a House spec script. It's got exploding babies, I think. So, if you work for Bad Hat Harry Productions, Shore Z Productions, or Heel and Toe Films and like exploding babies, send me an e-mail and I'll put you in touch with him.

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