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What Do I Name My Micro-Bakery?
Peter Tatara - January 22, 2010

I've long wanted to be many things beyond my lot in life. If I could transcend my job, girlfriend's whims, social entanglements, and Netflix addiction, there are all kinds of things I'd like to be. A successful novelist, a zoo keeper, an art house movie theater owner, a vampire, a bookstore owner, an astronaut, Mayor of New York City, a cyborg, an unsuccessful novelist, a vampire hunter, a restaurant owner, a post office worker, President of The United States, a genetic engineer, a baker, a vampire novelist... The list goes on and on, and while so much of it is beyond my mortal reach, there's one item I've always felt to be obtainable. I want to be a baker.

I love cookies, cakes, muffins, biscuits, and bread, and I could very easily see myself adopt the life of an alchemist of flour and yeast. Early to bed, early to rise, and through the measured application of time, heat, and the proper potions, I could create new -- delicious -- life. And I've always believed the first step in this process was procuring a bread maker. While I'm sure real bakers would frown upon using a robot in place of a wood-burning oven and their own two hands, for an amateur dabbling with a dream, it's the training wheels I'd need before taking the plunge.

And bread makers aren't impossibly expensive. In fact, many a time, I've gone to Macy's or Williams-Sonoma and picked one up. The problem's been that I've never made it to the register. See, the girlfriend has an issue with me owning a bread maker. She claims I'd never use it, tells me it would just take up space, and believes it's not a worthwhile investment. Countering her points, I've repeatedly argued our rice cooker is used daily, a bread maker would save us money in the long run, and it's a teeny, tiny step toward me fulfilling a dream. She's refused to budge.

Until this week, when a fantastic friend of mine secretly purchased a bread maker for me. The bread maker now sits at home, just yearning for its inaugural use. And while I haven't opened the box yet, my mind's already moved on to the greater journey. Before I can start cooking, I need to have my plan in place. I need to name my bakery.

Sure, it'll be slow at first, but with a website and a bread maker, I can go into business as a new age shaman of loafs of feel good. Who needs a storefront when you can sell directly through the town square of the World Wide Web? And who needs to apply for a business license when your domain is hosted in international waters?

So, I've started thinking about what to call my new operation. First up, it's a "micro-bakery". I don't know if this is a real term, but applying the same principles as a "micro-brewery", a micro-bakery is exactly what I aim to create. Next up, I want to use the words "artisanal", "nutrient-dense," "locally-sourced," "organic," and "nouveau" heavily in my promotion. Third, I want to make a line of dessert breads. I want my nouveau-artisanal micro-bakery to produce nutrient-dense dessert breads from 100% locally-sourced organic ingredients. Like our flagship Snickers Bread, which'll feature chunks of Snickers bars that I buy from my local bodega. (We'll round out the line with Kit-Kat Bread, Frosted Flakes Bread, and Oreo Cookie Bread.) Oh, I want to use the word "experimental" as well. An "experimental nouveau-artisanal micro-bakery." Yeah, that'll give me license to produce a few flops. The outfit will be dedicated to exploring new flavors and celebrating new interpretations of classic flavors -- like a corn bread with full kernels of corn inside. Genius, I know.

People will be willing to pay $50 a loaf for this kinda stuff, right? (Plus shipping.)

So, as far as I can see, my plan's sound, and there's just one stumbling block, the hiccup I've already mentioned that's kept me from launching full production. The name. I don't know what to call the business. It's gotta be clever, cute, unassuming, endearing, instantly memorable, universally appealing, and totally unique. It's gotta look good as a URL, too. And I'm a little bit at a loss here. What do I call my micro-bakery?

Here's what I'm tossing around so far...

Ben and Jerry's
Skillman Street
Sunnyside Gardens
Fairfield County Radio Club
Fairfield Country Baking Club
River's Song
Puppy Dog Tails
Silvercup Bakery

And that's it. Wait, really? That's it? Huh, yeah, that's it. Kinda lame. So, I need your help. I'm all set to take the baking world by storm, but before I can give birth to the best bitchin' bread you can imagine, I need to know what to name my little bakery. Think it over and let me know. If I like your idea, there's a free loaf of Snickers Bread in it for ya. (Plus shipping.)

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