giant robots fighting god

Walking Home Today, I Was Offered A Free Gym Pass:
Words of Suits, Streets, and Myths
Peter Tatara - September 21, 2006

Walking home today, I was offered a free gym pass.

Living in New York City, one's often solicited for money or a signature from one or another cause, concern, organization, foundation, or charity. Sometimes, I bite. Most of the time, I don't. While I've got nothing against the folks wanting to "Save The Rainforest" or "Stop Globalization," and in a perfect world, I'd give until I was shirtless and on the street, New York City's expensive, and I feel like a deserve a few luxuries like -- you know -- sleeping in a bed. As for my desire to own a different blazer for every day of the month, yeah, that may be a bit bohemian. Is "bohemian" the right word?

Ever wonder where the word "blazer" comes from? My favorite story's that in 1837 the HMS Blazer was visited by Queen Victoria. The Queen, displeased by the ragged appearance of the Blazer's crew, mandated that they all wear a uniform -- and she designed it herself. Upon seeing her uniform, a short jacket with brass Royal Navy buttons, upon the Blazer's sailors, the Queen soon ordered it to be worn across the entire British Navy.

You understand the moral of this story, right? Ladies like guys who dress well, and even if the guys in question are dirty, foul-mouthed seadogs, if you put 'em in a suit coat, even the Queen will get all puddly. Now, imagine what not one blazer -- but 31 -- will do to my girlfriend. You're right, she'll probably call me gay, but after that, we'll make out. A lot.

I don't yet have a closet full of formalwear, but it's my intention to. Everyday, when I leave work, I've got a place to get to, and I'd prefer as little as possible to come between me and my destination. So, when someone's asking for a donation for the Democratic National Committee, I'll give 'em the change in my pocket, but writing out a check is out of the question. I don't have the time. Every minute I'm chatting with the poor guy Children International sent to Manhattan to try to collect donations is a minute I'm not racing to Macy's to pick up suit coat #17 or home to catch a rerun of MythBusters.

Maybe if the guys looking to raise funds to cure scoliosis were leggy blondes I'd take more than 30 seconds to dismiss them -- even if it's the MythBusters where Adam and Jamie fill an inflatable raft with helium. A year or so back, some Japanese coalition came to New York to collect signatures for a petition to the UN to pass a global ban on nuclear weapons. They had the right idea, sending a troop of adorable, bubbly girls to collect names. They didn't speak the best English, but they spoke the international language of smiles, giggles, short skirts, and halter tops. If I had a blazer on that day, I so could have taken Yoko-chan home.

Of course, if I worked out a bit, I wouldn't need to rely on suit coats or even "ironed" or "clean" clothes to get girls. No, a few push-ups and sit-ups would really do wonders. Plus, then, the girls would stop being so disappointed when the blazer comes off. I should really join a gym. But gyms are expensive. If only I had a free gym pass. Hey!

I do! The guy I flipped off on the street today gave me a free 24-hour pass to Bally Total Fitness. I could go there right now. No, wait, there's a new MythBusters on in a half hour.

About | Archive