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Peter's List Of Cool Things You Get To Do
When You Turn Into An Adult
Peter Tatara - July 1, 2006

1) Cussing. Now that I pay taxes, I can gripe about paying taxes and use the kind of language that would get a kid's mouth washed out with soap. Why is this? Because I'm not a kid -- I'm an adult, and I'm free to use all the toilet words I want. And I do. A lot. Especially at work. It really hammers home the point when making a big speech. Dropping a half dozen F-bombs makes people know what I'm saying is important. Cussing is a cool, grown up thing to do.

2) Drinking. Now kids, I don't condone alcoholism, but it sure is nice to go to a bar occasionally with your co-workers to talk about hot gay sex. Hold on, I know what you're thinking, but let me quantify a couple of things. First, "hot gay sex" refers to the latest additions to Central Park Media's Be Beautiful lineup. (I work for a company that makes hot gay comics. I'm not, myself, gay.) Second, "occasionally" means twice daily.

3) Girls. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm gay. I'm not. I've even got a girlfriend. I'm going to go see her in a few days. Really. I'd post a link to her blog to prove that she's real, but she's ashamed of this website and wouldn't speak to me for a week if did that. Anywho, girls are cool. I don't know what the hell I was thinking hanging out with boys all throughout elementary school. If I had a time machine, I'd tell myself to start hanging out with my female classmates in kindergarten. Only if I did that, then I'd probably end up gay. Putting it simply, girls rock. There's nothing better than an evening of making out. Except an evening of heavy petting.

4) Stuff better than heavy petting. Okay, there's stuff better than heavy petting; however, I'm keeping this clean for all the kids reading who aren't yet adults. Now, while this should technically be part of Cool Thing Number 3, I've made it 4 because 3's entry was getting long. For you younglings pondering what this "stuff better than heavy petting" is, I'll let you in on one of the best kept secrets of the adult world, it's playing Digimon Rumble Arena 2 for the PS2.

5) Xbox 360. The Xbox 360 sucks, but being an adult means making enough money to spend on a 360 and then smashing it to smithereens. Wait, no, "adult" is the wrong word. I think "jackass" is a more fitting term. Eh, they're synonymous in my book.

6) Jury duty. Ever wanted to feel real power? Ever wanted to know what it's like to have a man's life in your hands? Well, serving jury duty's a government-sanctioned way to play God. Granted, because of the preceding few sentences, I'm never going to actually serve on a jury, but that's fine 'cause I'll spend that time playing some Digimon Rumble Arena 2 with my girlfriend -- if you get my drift.

7) Taxes. Taxes (one of the few things worse than the Xbox) are a great excuse to drink.

That's about it.

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