Monster Monster Moon Monster: A Story For Children
Peter Tatara - October 8, 2006
Dear girlfriend, I wrote the below story for you. After reading it over, though, I would like to state the following: This story is just a story and it, its characters, and its themes should not be seen as a metaphor for you, me, or our relationship. While the monster character is female, it is not supposed to be you. Instead, I made the monster a girl because I thought it would be cute. I do not think you are tiny, blue, or stupid. I ask that you do not interpret anything sexual out of the wearing of the monster as a puppet later in the story, either. This is supposed to be a cute story to make you smile. If this doesn't work, I've bought you the second season of Highlander on DVD. And while I don't care for the show, I know you like it, and that says I love you. Please note that I'm not ending this introduction with a comment about making out / school girl outfits / or you not yet buying me the first season of The Venture Bros. This says I love you, too.
There once lived a little monster in a little crater on the dark side of the moon. She was tiny and blue. She had horns where her thumbs should be and a horn for a nose, too. Monster Monster Moon Monster, as she called herself, woke up early every morning to rake her rock garden and check if any of the stones were ripe. Every afternoon, she took a nap out in the sun trying to get a tan. (It never worked. Maybe because of the scales covering her skin.) Every evening, she ate a salad of pebbles and sand before falling asleep back inside her crater home.
But, one morning, after eating a few too many pebbles, Monster Monster Moon Monster felt a bit heavy (even in the moon's gravity). So, to work off the rocks, she headed out for a jog. Huffing and puffing her way around the moon, she ventured farther than she'd ever been before. While Monster Monster Moon Monster saw the sun and the stars every day, today she saw something she had never seen before. The Earth.
Monster Monster Moon Monster stared at the big blue ball for a long, long time. She was afraid and almost wet her monster pants, but rather than hiding and running away, Monster Monster Moon Monster stepped closer. Monster Monster Moon Monster didn't know what the blue marble hanging in the sky was, but she knew it looked a lot more delicious than all the rocks she was used to eating. Monster Monster Moon Monster opened her mouth and tried to take a bite. Only, she realized, chewing on empty air, the marble was pretty far away. She jumped. She tried to take a bite. She climbed atop the moon's tallest crater. She tried to take a bite. The marble was still there.
Monster Monster Moon Monster stood atop the tallest crater and jumped as hard and as high as she could. She opened her mouth. She started to fall. But, rather than falling back to the moon, Monster Monster Moon Monster, having pushed herself so high, started tumbling toward the blue ball. And she fell and fell and fell. And it got bigger and bigger and bigger. And she fell and fell and fell. And it got bigger and bigger and bigger. Monster Monster Moon Monster had a big mouth, but she soon realized the marble was too big even for her. She missed her rock garden. She missed her crater. She missed her moon. Splat.
The next thing Monster Monster Moon Monster knew, she was on the blue ball and surrounded by the strangest rocks she'd ever seen. She learned, soon, these rocks were trees, buildings, and people. Monster Monster Moon Monster learned the marble was called Earth, the people lived in cities, and the city she was in was Cincinnati. "Cincinnati" was one of only three words Monster Monster Moon Monster would pick up. Monster Monster Moon Monster also learned "strawberry" and "panini." While she listened to the peoplerocks for a long time, Monster Monster Moon Monster couldn't get any more words to fit inside her head. Monster Monster Moon Monster's brain wasn't very big.
For the first two weeks Monster Monster Moon Monster was on Earth, she lived in a little cave in Cincinnati's biggest park. She had been nibbling on the cave at first whenever she got hungry, but pretty soon, Monster Monster Moon Monster smelled something a lot tastier than rocks. Monster Monster Moon Monster stuck her monster head outside her hovel to spy two peoplerocks having a picnic. Monster Monster Moon Monster didn't know what a picnic was, but she did know whatever the peoplerocks were eating smelled good. Monster Monster Moon Monster took a step forward, cleared her throat, and introduced herself.
"Cincinnati! Panini! Panini! Strawberry!"
Monster Monster Moon Monster didn't want to scare the picnickers, but she wasn't too upset when they ran. Monster Monster Moon Monster sat down and gobbled up all of the funny, yummy, tasty rocks. And, pretty soon, shouting "Cincinnati! Panini! Panini! Strawberry!" became part of Monster Monster Moon Monster's daily routine. Whenever she felt peckish, all she had to do was step outside her cave and yell "Cincinnati! Panini! Panini! Strawberry!" Monster Monster Moon Monster dined on fried chicken, ice cream, club sandwiches, hamburgers, watermelons, popcorn, and girl scout cookies. She had taken to wearing a green beret left behind by a fleeing girl scout, too. (She tried to eat the hat first, but after taking one bite, Monster Monster Moon Monster instead plopped the thing on her head. While not delicious, Monster Monster Moon Monster thought the beret made quite a fashion statement.)
One day, though, sniffing an egg salad hoagie, Monster Monster Moon Monster stepped out of her cave to begin her routine, but, this time, while she scared the picnickers away, the sandwich wasn't yet hers. Hiding in the bushes, watching everything, was another monster. Skinny and green with a face that looked as if it had been drawn on, a little lizard watched Monster Monster Moon Monster do her song and dance and sit down in front of the sandwich. But, right before she took her first bite, the green monster attacked. Racing forward, he plowed Monster Monster Moon Monster down and grabbed the egg sandwich for himself.
"Panini! Cincinnati! Strawberry! Cincinnati!"
Monster Monster Moon Monster yelled and screamed, but the green monster didn't leave. He just sat there until the sandwich was almost no more. But the green monster didn't eat the sandwich himself. No, instead, he fed it to his pinker, taller friend. Monster Monster Moon Monster scratched her head. The green monster wasn't alone. He had a peoplerock with him. And he was sitting atop the peoplerock's hand.
"Strawberry! Strawberry! Panini!"
Monster Monster Moon Monster shouted at the green monster, but he didn't seem to care, slowly pushing the egg salad sandwich down his companion's throat. Monster Monster Moon Monster stomped her feet. She let out a scream. She tackled the green monster, ripped him away from the peoplerock, and tore him apart. The monster flopped about and didn't fight back, just bending and twisting with each of Monster Monster Moon Monster's strikes. Then, the peoplerock raised his voice.
"What do you think you're doing to my puppet?"
Monster Monster Moon Monster would come to learn the green monster wasn't a monster at all, but actually an ugly puppet the property of a starving artist -- a ventriloquist by trade -- named Fenton Lincroft. Fenton hadn't eaten in three days and hadn't planned on eating again until his next unemployment check came through. The man wasn't that good of a ventriloquist.
Fenton traded the last two bites of the egg salad sandwich for the remnants of the puppet now hanging out of Monster Monster Moon Monster's mouth. He soon learned his puppet was shredded beyond repair and began to cry. Monster Monster Moon Monster, after finishing the sandwich, pat the unemployed ventriloquist on his back.
Monster Monster Moon Monster was trying to cheer up the man, but he only bawled louder. He cried on her shoulder, telling the monster how he moved to Cincinnati to make it big, but after his job at the Cincinnati Municipal Ventriloquist Troupe fell through, he couldn't pay his rent and was forced out onto the street. He tried to get by by doing puppet shows in the park, but it was going the opposite of well, and now with his admittedly-ugly puppet destroyed, Fenton was sure he'd died a slow, cruel, hungry death.
Monster Monster Moon Monster wiped away Fenton's tears, but being such a petite monster, she had to hop atop Fenton's hand to reach his head. Fenton looked into Monster Monster Moon Monster's eyes. He smiled. He giggled. He laughed.
Fenton had a plan to get himself out of the park and into the Cincinnati Municipal Ventriloquist Stage two blocks away. While Monster Monster Moon Monster destroyed Fenton's puppet, she was about the same size and would make a perfect dummy. Fenton explained the plan to the blue monster, and although she didn't understand most of his words, she gave Fenton a nod.
The next day, Fenton stood in the middle of a clearing with Monster Monster Moon Monster atop his hand. They told jokes, shared secrets, and imparted some unflinching political insight. Pennies, quarters, dollars, sandwiches, and pastries were thrown at their feet.
"If you see only one crazed homeless man and puppet ramble in a park this year, make sure it's Fenton Lincroft and Monster Monster Moon Monster," The Cincinnati Times and Picayune raved.
The days passed. Cookies, cakes, and pocket change rained down after every performance. Soon, Fenton and Monster Monster Moon Monster had replaced their pinecone beds with king-size posturepedic mattresses inside a penthouse apartment in Cincinnati's swanky airport district.
After a few more shows and a few more reviews, the fire department grew concerned the park, during Fenton and Monster Monster Moon Monster's shows, was over maximum occupancy and, should a fire start, there'd be no way to evacuate all the attendees in a safe and timely manner. The fire department spoke to City Hall, who spoke to the Cincinnati Municipal Ventriloquist Troupe, asking them to take Fenton back in. The troupe refused. While it wasn't known to anyone at the time, the Cincinnati Municipal Ventriloquist Troupe's decision to originally fire Fenton and not rehire him even at the Mayor's recommendation weren't because Fenton lacked skill but -- instead -- because he had an over-abundance. Theodore K. P. Groomsbilt, President of the Cincinnati Municipal Ventriloquist Troupe, was afraid of Fenton, fearing the upstart's talent would eclipse even his own.
However, because of Groomsbilt's decision not to take Fenton back, the Mayor spoke to Channel 2, Cincinnati's most popular television station, and 48 hours later, Fenton and Monster Monster Moon Monster were starring in Cincinnati! Panini! Strawberry! Panini! Panini! a weekly hour-long showcase of Fenton's best material. Very quickly, Cincinnati! Panini! Strawberry! Panini! Panini! got national attention, and the show was picked up by Lifetime and aired daily. At this rate, Fenton quickly exhausted his material and started coming up with new jokes and sketches on the spot. At times, Fenton would order pizza on the air. At times, he'd clip Monster Monster Moon Monster's toenails.
Cincinnati! Panini! Strawberry! Panini! Panini! won 26 Cable Ace Awards at the end of its first year. The show was renewed, a feature film was put in production, Fenton became the spokesman for MasterCard, and Monster Monster Moon Monster was paid to write a novel. Early the next summer, Theodore P. K. Groomsbilt was arrested for defacing a movie poster for the upcoming Strawberry! Strawberry! Strawberry! Cincinnati! An Odyssey In Impromptu Ventriloquism! with moldy oatmeal.
Everything that Fenton and Monster Monster Moon Monster touched turned to gold. They had apartments and houses in 128 cities. They were swarmed by fans whenever they went outside to get a newspaper or do their laundry. But, late at night whenever there was a full moon, Monster Monster Moon Monster would sit beside her window, staring out at her former home. One night, Fenton found Monster Monster Moon Monster weeping softly as she looked longingly at her distant moon. Fenton pat Monster Monster Moon Monster, who was now his wife, on the head. He knew what the problem was and wanted to fix it. Fenton called up the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and called in a favor. (In his youth, Fenton often assisted NASA with projects still classified today.)
The next full moon, as Monster Monster Moon Monster started to tear up, Fenton presented his darling with a small box. Opening it, Monster Monster Moon Monster found a ring crowned with a piece of moon rock. Fenton slipped it on her finger. Monster Monster Moon Monster didn't have the words to properly express herself, but she tried.
"Panini... Panini... Panini..."
Monster Monster Moon Monster hugged Fenton, and Fenton hugged Monster Monster Moon Monster back. They stayed this way until morning. Six years later, together still, Fenton Lincroft and Monster Monster Moon Monster were elected President and Vice President of the United States.