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Apologies to My Girlfriend: Peter Settles Down with Another Woman
Peter Tatara - March 5, 2007

Dear girlfriend,

As you know, I love you. In fact, I love you very, very much. However, you are also aware that there's another woman I love -- Japanese pop star Hikaru Utada -- and that if I weren't with you, I'd very likely be Hikki's beau. Luckily for you, Hikaru's happily married to director and photographer Kazuaki Kiriya. Or she was.

Hikki's just announced she and Kazuaki have split. It's sad news. Hikki deserves to be happy.

I want you to know, girlfriend, that just because Hikki's become available... and has an apartment in NYC... and I know a guy who knows her... I still love you, and any relationship that develops with Hikki will be strictly, mostly, at the start platonic.

I believe I've recounted to you my plan, years ago, to attend Columbia for the sole fact that Hikki was going there. I believe I've also revealed my scheme to set up a stand outside her apartment selling custom sushi inspired by her lyrics. But I didn't go to Columbia, nor did I sell sub-par maki rolls called COLORS (Godson Mix) and Automatic (Johnny Vicious Remix). No, I went to Ithaca and found you. And our almost three years together have been happy. I don't often stay awake at night pondering what could have been if I went to Columbia with Hikki. I tell myself it wouldn't have worked, but I don't know, and now that Hikki is back on the market, a part of me is telling me I have a chance.

But even if I do, I'm not going to risk what I have with you.

Taking all this into account, and looking ahead to many, many future happy years with you, I have some requests, and considering the fact that I'm not currently at a florist buying Hikki as many roses as I can get with my paycheck, I hope you take these thoughts seriously and do your best to meet my humble requests...

- Remember when we started going out and you went vegetarian to impress me? Let's go back to that. After about a month together, you abandoned abandoning meat and, frankly, have been trying to sneak blocks of pork and beef into my tofu. So, if possible, you wanna go vegetarian again? I know you've got issues about needing nutrients and wanting food that tastes good, but after you go without animal protein for ten years, you forget what it tastes like -- and if you ever accidentally eat even an iota of meat, your body's long since become unable to process it and you'll become instantly, violently ill. So don't worry about craving steak or burgers because, honestly, you won't remember how good they taste, and the knowledge of that a bite of either would probably kill you will also keep you on the straightedge road to vegetarian bliss.

- Half of the time, you tell me I can't dress myself, and the other half of the time, you tell me I look gay. Pick one or the other. Either I can't dress myself, or I dress meticulously. If it is the former, let's the two of us get out to H&M and turn it into the latter. Further, when you say I dress gay, this isn't anything new. When we first met, you thought I liked dudes. If memory serves, your parents thought so, too. But I surprised them. And you.

- Allow me my fantasies. More, participate in them. I can't count the number of times I've worn a vampire cape to fulfill your kinky Anne Rice fetishes, but every time I try to make out with you in a phone booth to kinda-sorta make it seem like we're getting busy in the TARDIS, you point, laugh, and flip me off. I think my Doctor Who role play is healthy, and I'd appreciate it if you'd humor it once in a while. I'm not asking you to dress like a Dalek or a Cyberman. At the very least, call me "Doctor."

- We've spoken about you coming to New York City for several months, and I've told you that you needed to make a decision by the end of February. Well, it's March, and I've renewed my lease presuming that you'll be here in June. And you are coming. While you're being as predictably coy in this matter as you are in all things, that's got to end. Really. We need to talk about your plans in June. Seriously. What if summer comes and you're still playing the sphinx? Hikki moves in.

I think that about wraps up my initial requests for you to consider. I do want you to know, though, that while I may appear critical of you from my above statements, I have high praise for you. I love, respect, and cherish you very much, and I want to conclude by pointing out one of your specific virtues: You never get upset when I write the most blatant, horrible lies about you and our relationship. Thank you for that. Then again, that's probably because you never bother to read anything I write.

Your hunny bunny,
Xiao Chi

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